What Works When Logic Fails?
Here's how I'd reason with an unreasonable person
When someone is fired up about something illogical or untrue — so fired up that they can hardly hear what you have to say — what can you do? I’ve learned over the years that there is a lot you can do, little of which has to do with the point you’re making. To be honest, your point could be getting in the way.
PERSUASION = INFORMATION + PRESENTATION
As with many things in life, methods matter. A life-saving medicine may be effective when ingested but useless on the skin. A business plan may contain brilliant ideas, but it’s literally worthless until it’s handed to a funder. Presentation is often the key to getting through to anyone about anything. I hate to fall back on that old trope, “It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it,” but… true!
Presentation also helps you deal with the energy the other person is putting out by connecting with them in a useful way. The worst thing you can say in an argument with someone who’s upset, without a doubt, is “Calm down!” Nothing enflames homicidal anger quite like that. They may be freaking out, but they believe their freakout is either justified or unavoidable. It can feel dehumanizing and selfish to see that you care less about their problem than your own peace and quiet. Then they might decide to upset your peace and quiet as much as possible, just to tick you off. We all know what “misery loves”.
The key is acknowledging their emotions, dealing with them first and then, if you can, trying to have a thoughtful conversation. Here are four things to try when you’re just not getting through to someone about something they believe solidly:
Confirm the emotion. Since our feelings drive so many of our decisions, make sure you’re addressing the correct one. Ask something like, “Sounds like you feel really strongly about this, but what is that feeling? If you had to name the emotion, which one is it?” If someone is feeling bitter, for example, you won’t get far if you assume they’re merely feeling sad. The nuances in what our feelings mean have tremendous power to shape our actions.
This also forces their higher order brain functions to kick in for a moment, putting precise words on an amorphous feeling. Angry is different from seething, which is different from disgust, which isn’t quite the same as hate. There’s relief to be found in the mental act of going, “Is it this one? No, not quite. Maybe it’s that… eh, almost. Oh, wait: I know what it is! It’s actually ___.” That mental shift takes a little energy away from their emotions. Here’s a great list of 87 emotion words Brené Brown compiled as part of her research on emotions (and how hard it is to name them).Give logic a rest. Seriously, it can make you look like a snob. I know that’s hard to accept, and I know you’re trying to help, but think about it: they probably had time for those feelings to crystallize alongside the reasons for them. Now here you come with your big brain, ready to wave a magic wand over their situation and break through years of their convictions. Can you see how they might feel belittled? Your disagreement is over something they feel strongly about, so the solution is not in their head. It’s in their heart. Speak to that. Facts and figures create more distance until the other person is ready to hear them.
Agree before you disagree. If you come at me ready to argue and fuss, then you can be sure I’m not gonna play along. I’d more likely try to disarm you with an unexpected response, and then start dissecting your argument. One of the best ways to disarm someone in a disagreement is to agree with one of their principles. Find a common bond that you can honestly acknowledge as a way to lower the temperature. The keyword here is honestly: you should never, ever lie in a debate. Lies will tank your argument, destroy your credibility, and maybe break a bond in your life. Not worth it.
Find something substantive that you see eye-to-eye on. For example, if you’re arguing with someone about immigration policy — maybe one of you supports the current enforcement actions taken by ICE, and the other opposes these actions — you might agree that immigration enforcement, however it’s done, has to be done thoughtfully. Or that America’s future depends on getting the flow of people into and out of the nation right. Fleshing out that principle can go a long way toward connecting with someone who seems unreachable. And if tempers run hot again, use that agreement to recenter the conversation.Vent all the steam. This is the hardest one to do, but I’ve never found any method as effective at defusing a situation as this. I’ve learned that most people who feel the need to rant don’t actually have that much to rant about. If I just give them about 45-60 uninterrupted seconds, maybe a bit more, that’s usually enough time to say everything that’s bugging them. And then they just… stop. Sometimes you can see relief wash over them. Then we can talk about bigger things, but here’s the key: this only works if you acknowledge what they ranted about. Don’t agree: just acknowledge.
So if you go on a 60-second rant about taxes, I might acknowledge that by saying, “I never knew how much you hated not having that money in your pocket.” If they respond with something like, “That’s right!” then you’re on the right track. Now, if you want an A+ on this test, follow that up with, “Thank you for leveling with me. That’s really helpful. Anything else I should know?” Sneakily, this isn’t just for their benefit. Sure, they’ll feel even better about talking to you because you’ve given them relief from their anger, but you’re also hearing their argument clearly and searching for claims to attack later. The more you can listen to your debate opponent talk, the stronger your argument can become.
DON’T AGREE: JUST ACKNOWLEDGE.
Everyone wants to be understood and validated. It doesn’t hurt anyone to give the validation first — and who knows, once they calm down they might return the favor. Either way, it’ll increase your chances of reaching an impenetrable person by getting them to let you in without ever noticing. Try any or all of these methods, and watch how much easier it is to debate someone with dramatically different views. If you can combine your information with the right presentation, then persuasion becomes easier than ever.
This is great! Thanks!!